Im at strip club and am horny
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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