I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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