bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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