Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
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