Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize