pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Last time i carry you out of a forest
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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