Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
