Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
