Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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