Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
