I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
