Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
