Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
