what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Randomize
