Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
