3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
