is your mom at the bar?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
