so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Buhtt sex?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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