So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
