I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
