toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Randomize
