WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
