Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
from now on my penis is your penis
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in itâ€
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Never joke about your clitoris.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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