Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
why is half of my head shaved?
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