I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
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