Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
