Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
