My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
