I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
