I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
