How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
