Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
