So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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