Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
