I wish my penis had an off switch
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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