Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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