i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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