I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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