You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
