Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
