From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
