Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
