PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
