I think scott just propositioned me for sex
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
