no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
