Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You took a bar mat shot.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
