i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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