If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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