walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
