Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
